The Baby Years
The story of me


When I was born, I came out kicking and screaming. I wasn't quite ready to leave my cozy studio apartment -- especially since I just had installed a surround-sound system. Needless to say, I was pissed. I still had a couple of weeks left on my nine-month lease, damnit.

So, rebel that I was, when they asked for a picture, I made sure I gave the doctor the shaft.

My first shaft!

Too sexy for my PJs

But, I eventually got over that and, you know, I even turned out pretty cute. Not to mention damn smart. Here I am pondering the Cartesian theorem of existence.

I even smiled once in a while. Usually when some babe was bending over to pick me up. Those cheeks were irresistible -- and I unscrupulously used them to my advantage. I was young, not stupid. To this day, I'll gladly trade a couple of sore cheeks for a few wet kisses. Those moronic baby noises I can do without, though.

Pinch my cheeks!

Reading is fundamental

I noticed early on that my charming good looks were exceeding my intelligence (look at me, how could they not?). So, I decided to start reading. Here I am boning up on nuclear physics.
In my pursuit of higher intelligence, though, I was sure not to neglect any of my female fans. Here I am at the beach giving them a free peek at my pecs.
All the while, though, I was pondering the applications of that blue bucket in my ongoing experiments with cold fusion. I would've achieved it, but the handle broke off and my mom replaced it with a red bucket -- everyone knows that red just isn't sufficient when working with sub-atomic particles.

Flexing my pecs

Future nerd

All that thinking finally got to me. I didn't care about combing my hair or the fact that my mom was dressing me like a movie theater usher. Here I am putting another book down just long enough so that crazy woman could snap another picture of me. Unfortunately, I didn't notice geekiness was starting to sneak up on me.
By my elementary school graduation, it was all gone. No more pinched cheeks, no more sloppy kisses -- I couldn't even get anyone to straighten out my friggin' tie.
And it's been downhill since then. So, all you moms out there -- beware! Don't let your kids peak too early. Or they'll turn out like me. When I say "the good ol' days," I'm talking about when I was three.



The Baby Years   MONSTER!    On All Hallows Eve   Vice Squad   My Excellent Hiking Adventure   Smells Fishy   In Defense of Frosty
Pick Me an Apple   Baltimore Road Trip   At the End of the Day   Three Stooges   Tattoo You   The Graduates   Going Goofy
You Look Like S***   Horsey!   Get Together   Cruise Views   Freaks & Geeks   RedRock, RedRock  GONG!

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