|When I was born, I came out kicking and screaming. I wasn't quite
ready to leave my cozy studio apartment -- especially since I just had installed a
surround-sound system. Needless to say, I was pissed. I still had a couple of weeks left
on my nine-month lease, damnit.
So, rebel that I was, when they asked for a picture, I made sure I gave the doctor the shaft.
|But, I eventually got over that and, you know, I even turned out pretty cute. Not to mention damn smart. Here I am pondering the Cartesian theorem of existence.|
I even smiled once in a while. Usually when some babe was bending over to pick me up. Those cheeks were irresistible -- and I unscrupulously used them to my advantage. I was young, not stupid. To this day, I'll gladly trade a couple of sore cheeks for a few wet kisses. Those moronic baby noises I can do without, though.
|I noticed early on that my charming good looks were exceeding my intelligence (look at me, how could they not?). So, I decided to start reading. Here I am boning up on nuclear physics.|
|In my pursuit of higher intelligence, though, I was sure not to
neglect any of my female fans. Here I am at the beach giving them a free peek at my pecs.
All the while, though, I was pondering the applications of that blue bucket in my ongoing experiments with cold fusion. I would've achieved it, but the handle broke off and my mom replaced it with a red bucket -- everyone knows that red just isn't sufficient when working with sub-atomic particles.
|All that thinking finally got to me. I didn't care about combing my hair or the fact that my mom was dressing me like a movie theater usher. Here I am putting another book down just long enough so that crazy woman could snap another picture of me. Unfortunately, I didn't notice geekiness was starting to sneak up on me.|
|By my elementary school graduation, it was all gone. No more pinched
cheeks, no more sloppy kisses -- I couldn't even get anyone to straighten out my friggin'
And it's been downhill since then. So, all you moms out there -- beware! Don't let your kids peak too early. Or they'll turn out like me. When I say "the good ol' days," I'm talking about when I was three.
The Baby Years
MONSTER! On All Hallows Eve
Vice Squad My Excellent Hiking
Adventure Smells Fishy In Defense of Frosty